


How to Get Accidentally Married (in three easy steps.)

by stepstostars



Category: Star Trek (2009), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Accidental Marriage, M/M, Snark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-19
Updated: 2012-01-19
Packaged: 2017-10-29 19:37:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/323395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stepstostars/pseuds/stepstostars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard hates life (and Jim) and likes to snark to himself about why he always gets married to Spock. Always.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Get Accidentally Married (in three easy steps.)

Leonard wonders when his first reaction to away missions going wrong is face-palming and reluctantly accepting his fate, instead of being surprised or at least somewhat confused. Then again, the sensors had reported no signs of sapient life, and Jim had decided to join the team planet-side.

In other words, it was inevitable.

Leonard also sometimes wonders when his best friend became a codeword for complete disaster (or at least weird occurrences); which, if he's honest with himself, is a _stupid_ question, because Jim had always been, no matter how much he protested his innocence, correlated with causing horrible things to happen _somehow_. Always.

None of this pondering and general self-exploration of how Leonard always made the _shittiest_ friends has anything to do with the beaming humanoids—all the alien species they meet are always conveniently humanoid, so Jim has an excuse for mistaking one for being actually human and almost dying from another foreign STI—who are crowding around him.

And Spock.

Offering bouquets of what look like blue roses and cheering in what sounds like garbled French.

He isn't sure what they've done this time to cause the festivities, but if Jim doesn't stop smiling that goddamn shit-eating grin, Leonard is going to destroy things, starting with Jim's face. Even if it's against some odd, obscure tradition of the planet natives, because Sulu and Chekov have been smiling at each other in a nauseatingly sweet way and holding hands in such a newlywed, couple-like manner since they transported down, while he and Spock had literally just studied plants. _Studied plants._ The natives hadn't even showed up on the goddamn sensors!

"Congrats, Bones! You guys're hitched!" Jim exclaims cheerfully, confirming Leonard’s worst fears while gleefully patting him on the back. Nyota, at least, looks slightly sympathetic when she nods in agreement.

Leonard knows Jim is seconds away from bursting into laughter from the way his face just _looks,_ and has to resist the urge to beat his friend with the roses being shoved in his face. Spock’s more resigned, stiffly replying, "It does seem so, Captain."

And it's really a statement on how many times they've been through this type of situation to make a Vulcan, half-human or not, sound even the slightest bit emotional.

\--

The ceremony has been toned down to fit the away team's more staid sensibilities (read: Leonard refuses to wear a tiara, because _goddamn, he’s a doctor, not a princess,_ or walk down the aisle/narrow gap thing mostly naked), but even then, it's a pretty wild party. The Thraxians love celebrations, throwing one for any reason imaginable. Births, engagements, marriages, children coming of age, and, apparently, when an off-worlder completes a ritualized exchange of a certain type of flower.

Although that's actually just the ritual to propose in this culture, from what Nyota explained. So technically that falls under engagements, but there are thirty different courtship rituals that can end in engagement, each with their own different celebration, and Leonard can't be pushed to care.

Jim ends up as his best man and Nyota Spock's best woman, both smiling and standing to the left side of the aisle, with Nyota non-subtly sliding away whenever Jim tries to step closer. Chekov and Sulu are the flower boys tearing up in the corner, still holding hands and being so disgustingly romantic that Leonard wants to hurl. He and Spock just kind of awkwardly look at each other while a singer belts off a song he can't understand, though he thinks he hears a wrangled "That's Amoorreee~". 

There’s some exchanging of cups and flowers that he can hardly remember, wondering how the marriage-r pronounced Xtmprsqzntwlfb correctly, shaking hands with the marriage-r, kissing all the audience in attendance on the cheek (he's not sure if Jim will ever let him live this down), until finally the thing seems to be over, because they've broken out the drinks and music and everyone's moving to clear away the chairs.

He has never been happier to see alcohol in his life. Even Spock seems relieved when Jim offers him a chocolate bar.

A few hours later, Leonard is still sober enough to reject the Thraxian's kindhearted offer to provide them with a baby. It takes a while for him to find the words, and even then the explanation comes out a bit slurred, but Leonard just wants them to know that they already have two children as gestures of kindness from two other planets.

Sometime during the night, Jim stops hitting on Nyota and ends up sleeping with one of the wedding guests. The rash on Jim's neck and the sheepish smile on his face do nothing to stop Leonard from smacking his friend on the head.

\--

Scotty’s offended when they come back and tell him that they were actually late to beam-up because of a raucous party instead of the mission-in-jeopardy bullshit Jim told him. Not because they made him worry (the engine probably did some flippy shit and accidentally kicked itself again, rendering the Enterprise useless, anyway), but because he missed the party. And Leonard and Spock's wedding. But that's added more as an afterthought than anything.

There really should be a rule in the universe that, after maybe the tenth marriage (that’s when they really start to lose novelty), aliens would move on to another couple to ambush.

Later that evening, Leonard runs into a banner proclaiming, "Happy 50th Alien Marriage Doctor McCoy and Commander ~~Xtmprsqz~~ Spock!" and realizes that the Enterprise crew would, like the Thraxians, use _any_ excuse to party.

He just wants to go back to their quarters and tell the story to David and (T')Mir[ie] (Spock always calls her T'Mir, but Mirie is infinitely easier to pronounce and normal-sounding), but he also doesn't quite want to tell them that, "Yes, your father gave me a rose-looking thing and I removed a thorn for study, but then I accidentally pricked myself when giving it back, and then these odd people jumped out of a bush to congratulate us. No, we didn’t know they were there before, which is why I accidentally threw my arm back in surprise and ended up whacking your father in the face and that’s how he ended up with that lovely bruise. Then we got married. Again." It sounds so unromantic when he thinks about it.

Whatever, the story can wait. He's pretty sure they whined Christine into bringing them to the party, anyway. They can smell cake miles away.

Spock meets him in the hallway outside their rooms and they share a fond look. Because even though going through fifty engagements and marriages is a complete pain in the ass, they're really great reminders that their relationship has the blessings of fate, if nothing else.

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this a while ago, decided to finally upload things to AO3/hopefully this will get me to actually write fic?
> 
> Xtmprsqzntwlfb is apparently Spock's last name from some old ST fanlore I read somewhere. I think I might've stolen the name T'Mir from somewhere, too.


End file.
